Counseling Blog
Emotional & Relational Health from a Christian Perspective
Today we explore a second reason why being present can be so challenging- we don’t know how to do it! I’ll unpack where this skill deficit comes from and suggest a couple ideas for how we can begin to learn. We’ll see that the starting point is acknowledging that relationships and intimacy are important, something that we either devalue or completely have off our radar as men.
Ending in the same place no matter what you try to do is the thing that leads to a sense of futility, hopelessness, and negative feelings about yourself or your relationship. If it’s always going to go the same way, why bother? This is where anger escalates, as does desire to get out of the marriage. No one wants to be a hamster on the treadmill, getting nowhere and doing the same things all the time.
Does it feel like every time you try to engage your partner about something that is on your mind, he disappears, withdraws, or pulls away? It feels like you never talk to each other and you never connect about things that are important to you. When you do bring things up, you are often left feeling invalidated and misunderstood. You want to know what he’s thinking, feeling, and going through, but you’re often just left guessing. You want to enjoy his company and know that he enjoys you! You know he is a strong, resilient, and hardworking man who would do anything for you and your family, but when things get difficult it feels like you can’t reach him. He might get quiet, angry, defensive, or go into fix-it mode, but the result is the same no matter what: you feel alone and like your spouse is unavailable to you.
