Anger Treatment at Van Rheenen Counseling can help you understand your anger and choose healthy responses to your anger.
Do I Have an Anger Problem?
Are you struggling with strong emotions that you don’t know what to do with? You might feel alone and misunderstood, like no one really knows the real you. Some days it might even feel like people are actually out to get you. Maybe you feel like you don’t get the respect you deserve. It feels like your family and your coworkers take you for granted and never really factor in your needs. Nothing has worked out like you thought it would and you can’t help but feel disappointed with how your life is turning out.
Maybe you feel the need to act defensively in order to protect yourself from others. It often feels like no one is on your side and you have to do everything yourself. Communication is difficult and when conversations actually happen, they always seem to go wrong. Critiques and suggestions from others often feel like personal attacks. You might have learned that showing sadness and kindness only reveals weakness, which then invites others to take advantage of you.
You might not think of yourself as an angry person. Sure, you get frustrated pretty often and you know a lot of annoying people, but it seems like a stretch to say you have anger issues. The reality is that anger takes many forms and doesn’t always look like the explosive outbursts we think of. Subtle forms of anger can be just as harmful. If you find yourself criticizing others in your head, keeping a record of wrong-doings, avoiding difficult conversations, using sarcasm to get your point across, getting hung up on mistakes, or giving people the silent treatment, then you might need to address how you deal with anger in your life.
Anger can be devastating if left unchecked. It continues to build as it slowly influences more and more of your thoughts and actions. Unhealthy anger leaves you feeling even more isolated and self-protective, while also hurting those closest to you.
How Was Anger Modeled to You?
There is a lot of confusion and misunderstanding about anger in our culture. Most of us are very uncomfortable with anger and other strong emotions. We are uncomfortable when those around us express anger, whether that be our children, spouses, friends, or our coworkers. Anger can be scary and we often want to run from it or make it stop as fast as possible.
Our discomfort with anger leaves no space for others to express their legitimate emotions in a healthy way. This sends the message that the emotions behind the anger are not legitimate and they should not be expressed or felt. “Bottle it up and suppress those strong emotions. They simply aren’t appropriate”. These are the messages we receive everyday from parents, bosses, friends, and spouses.
Maybe you were never really taught how to deal with your anger. Whenever you would get upset, you would just get in trouble. And when you did see anger expressed, it was not pleasant at all. The result is that you were left alone to sort out what to do with all these strong emotions that are confusing and painful.
Understanding Your Anger
Counseling is a very helpful tool for learning how to manage your anger. It begins with understanding what the root of your anger is. Anger is a self-protective emotion that often arises when we feel the need to protect our self-worth, our personal needs, and our deeply held convictions. Counseling provides a safe environment where you can slow down and explore what legitimate needs you are seeking to protect.
Counseling can also help you figure out what you want to accomplish by communicating your feelings to others. The purpose of the communication will determine how you choose to respond to your anger. As you grow in your self-awareness, you will also grow in your ability to make better choices. You will learn how to regulate your emotions and interact with others in ways that promotes safety, connection, and mutual understanding.
Common Unhealthy Anger Responses
Suppression of Anger
Discomfort with other people’s anger carries over into how you interact with your own anger. Chances are that your anger scares you, so you suppress it. You are worried that if you allow yourself to go there, the anger will take hold of you. Then you could lose control and do something you’d regret later.
Maybe the anger would never leave, and you don’t want to be angry all the time. You want to focus on the positives in life and be happy. After all, no one likes being around angry and sad people all the time. Therefore anger is treated as a dangerous emotion that could lead to a loss of control or into a pit of despair and rage that you might never escape from. You have learned that anger only brings about more drama and painful conflict. It is easier to just avoid the trouble and go with the flow. There is safety in not making any waves. Therefore suppression is fueled by a desire to avoid pain.
The result is that there is no room for legitimate anger in your life and no safe way to express it in relationships. Your only option is to suppress it and begin to numb all your strong emotions in order to please others and maintain your grasp on control. Or you bottle it up only to explode later and feel deep remorse for your actions and you swear you will never let your anger out again. Either way, you become a shell of yourself and you are exhausted from keeping your emotions hidden from everyone.
Aggressive & Passive Aggressive Anger
Maybe you’re not afraid of anger. It might have become your closest companion and your only comfort in life. You nurse it everyday by reminding yourself how you have been wronged and how unfair life is. You might never get justice or resolution to your pain, but at least you have your anger. No one can take your anger away from you, and it feels very good to be angry. But you continue to become more and more isolated and you’ve never felt so alone. Pretty soon you will have no one.
Or maybe you have learned that anger is a powerful tool to protect yourself and exert control over other people. You’ve been hurt before and you know what it’s like to feel powerless and weak. You vowed to never be weak again. You would never allow yourself to be taken advantage of like you were as a helpless child. It feels good to criticize others and point out their faults. If you stay on the attack, then other people can’t attack you. They say the best defense is a good offense. But in protecting yourself from getting hurt, you are now hurting those you love most dearly. You might be blocking attacks on your self-worth, but you are also blocking the comfort that comes from connecting with others over the softer emotions that seem so weak. Those around you are getting fed up with your constant fury. Real repercussions are headed your way if something doesn’t change.
Choosing Healthy Expressions of Anger
Assertiveness & Releasing Anger
There is another way to deal with anger. Suppressing anger or using it as a weapon only distances you from those you care about most in life. Those old ways may have worked in the past as survival techniques, but real, deep, and life giving relationships can only flourish when you learn how to regulate your emotions and express them in ways that allow others to connect with you.
I can help you understand the root of your anger more fully and allow you to experience the emotions that over the years you have learned were weak, scary, or dangerous. You can then express your anger in a legitimate way that enables others to understand you, connect with you, and respect you.
Together we will learn how to be assertive, but not aggressive. You will learn how to clearly express what you are feeling in a way that maintains healthy boundaries while not seeking to harm anyone else. We will also explore the freedom that can only be found in forgiveness. You will learn that there is a difference between letting something go and suppressing anger. You will also learn that there is a difference between letting something go and being a push over.
You do not need to be controlled by your anger or afraid of it. As you understand the emotions behind your anger more fully, you will be able to regulate your emotions better and express yourself more clearly and accurately. Exploring your anger could be the gateway to personal healing and flourishing relationships. You don’t need to live in a world where you feel misunderstood, alone, and defensive anymore. Peace, contentment, and joy are waiting for you.