Is Your Relationship Struggling?

Has the foundation of your relationship been rocked by infidelity, an unexpected tragedy, a life transition, or the general wear and tear of daily life? Are you seeking reconciliation after an affair or some other betrayal of trust? Do you long to be closer with your significant other? Maybe you’re feeling trapped, confused, and unsure of what to do next. You might just be tired of the seemingly constant marital conflict.     

There was a time when nothing made you feel more alive than spending time together. The relationship was new and exciting and you loved learning more about each other.

You’re not sure exactly when or how it happened, but things are different now. The life you dreamed of has taken a turn towards pain and resentment. Where there was excitement, there is now tension. Where there was intimacy, there is now distance. You used to feel so safe and comfortable with each other, but now you feel anxious and uncertain.

You may find yourself asking, “Why won’t he talk to me anymore? Does he even like me?” or “Does she know how much I do for this family? Does she even respect me?” You might feel unappreciated and uncared for. Maybe your relationship has been defined by bickering and conflict over little issues that add up to big frustrations and hurts, or maybe there has been a betrayal that has shattered your sense of trust and safety.

One of you might get loud, the other pulls away, and the distance between you two just grows. Your love for each other is slowly being overshadowed by unresolved hurt and unmet expectations.  

You’re afraid of where the relationship is headed, but you don’t want to give up on the person you care for and the commitment you made.

You Are Not the Only One Experiencing Difficulty in Your Marriage

Marriage can be such a blessing, but it is often the source of great pain and hardship. We are all broken people who have been deeply wounded, but we also wound those around us. Marriage can bring out the best in us, but it also often brings out the worst in us. Spouses can push each other’s buttons in the best of times, and then when you add family drama or outside stress into the equation, the relationship gets strained even more. Because of our imperfections and past wounds, relationships are messy and we often hurt each other in unintentional ways. We react out of our own hurts and insecurities, which creates an even greater rift in the relationship.

Human beings are all born with relational needs that we never outgrow. We all desire the comfort and security that can be found only in intimate relationships. We long to know that someone else cares for us, notices us, enjoys us, and is looking out for us. We crave the safety of knowing that someone else will be with us to soothe and support us when life gets difficult. We want to know that we are not alone, that we matter to someone else. We want to know that we are someone else’s favorite person in the world.

We look to marriage to find this level of intimacy and joy, yet we often get stuck in painful conflict cycles and patterns of behavior that leave us feeling lonely, irritated, and unloved. Few things are more painful than being out of sync with the person who matters most to you. These conflict cycles activate our fears of rejection and abandonment, which then continue to fuel the unhealthy cycles of communication.

This is far more common than you’d ever imagine. We often feel pressure to present this image of having the perfect home life, but you are not alone if you are hurting and feeling isolated in your marriage. Relationships are hard work, but they are so worth it!        

Couples Counseling Can Help You Grow Close Again

Identifying Your Conflict Cycle

Counseling provides a safe space where you and your spouse can honestly communicate with each other and ultimately connect over issues that once pushed you further apart. Throughout the process, we will work together to uncover common problematic patterns in your relationship. These interaction patterns are called cycles. We identify these conflict cycles by noticing predictable behavior patterns and bringing to light the emotional experiences that are driving these rigid behaviors.

A common pattern that couples get caught in is the pursue-withdraw cycle. In this cycle, one person anxiously pursues and seeks out the other person. This could look like repeatedly trying to hash something out or engage with your spouse about something that he or she clearly doesn’t want to talk about. The other person then responds to the pursuit by withdrawing and putting up walls. The more the withdrawing partner withdraws, the more the pursuing partner pursues, and vice versa. These cycles are often deeply rooted and very well worn patterns of behavior, but they are not set in stone. The key is to track these patterns and seek to understand the primary emotions that are going on, which have often gone unnoticed and unacknowledged.    

Learning New Patterns of Interaction       

Once couples learn how to notice their old problematic cycles, they can begin the process of forming new healthier cycles. You will be given the opportunity to have new experiences of your partner and yourself. Once the softer, more vulnerable primary emotions are shared, couples can then experience much deeper connection and feel much more secure with each other. Criticism can be replaced by vulnerability and expressions of need when the withdrawing partner becomes more engaged and responsive in the relationship.

You both have profound power over each other because you mean so much to each other. You can make your spouse feel valued and significant. When your spouse feels that level of security, it makes it easier for him or her to be safe and inviting towards you as well. You don’t have to settle for a cold and lifeless status quo anymore. Real change is possible. Together we can explore your styles of relating with each other and begin to understand the emotions that are driving the conflict, distance, and avoidance, so that we can heal and restore joy to your marriage once again.    

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