Overwhelmed, Unproductive, Unsatisfied

Perfectionism is rampant in our culture and the current state of the world is bringing that reality even further into the light. We all collectively have lost some ability to do all the things we normally do. We are working from home with all the distractions that come with it. We are showering less, working out less, changing out of sweatpants less, and generally getting less done.

With this decrease in productivity, how have you been feeling about yourself? What has your internal dialogue looked like when you haven’t accomplished all you meant to that day? Have you noticed an uptick in self-criticism? Have you felt lost without the ability to see measurable progress in what you are doing? Have you lost the zeal and motivation to do hobbies you normally enjoy? If so, you might have some perfectionistic tendencies.

Am I A Perfectionist?

Perfectionism is a tricky thing to nail down. There are a lot of misconceptions swirling around about this topic. It seems that perfectionism is either worn as a badge of honor or it is seen as some extreme issue that only a few really messed up people struggle with. I’d like to relieve you of the pressure of formally diagnosing yourself and instead invite you to simply notice any perfectionistic tendencies you might have. Perfectionism exists on a continuum: some of us exhibit most of the symptoms while others only recognize a few of the characteristics in themselves. The important thing is to recognize the patterns in your life that are hurting more than they are helping you. Take a look at some common signs of perfectionism and see what resonates with you.

Common Signs of Perfectionism:

• Procrastination: even with things you want to do and typically enjoy

• You get stuck on the research and planning phase of a project

• You often feel paralyzed in the midst of projects

• You work extremely slowly and then berate yourself for your lack of efficiency

• You rarely enjoy what you are doing

• Compliments role of your back

• It is really hard to celebrate your successes

• Your inner critic is the loudest voice in your head

• The joy of completing a task is never as deep or lasting as you hoped it would be

• Failure is not an option

• You avoid things you aren’t good at

• You have an underlying sense that you are a phony just waiting to be exposed

• Your sense of worth is measured by your most recent performance

• You have never uttered the words, “Oh well, I guess that’s good enough.”

High Standards vs. Perfectionism

Many people often associate perfectionism with having high standards, and while there is some overlap between the two, there is more to perfectionism than being highly motivated and driven to produce the best work possible. As you can see from the list above, a perfectionist deeply intertwines performance and self-worth, so the take away is that if I fail or produce shoddy work then no one will like me and I won’t like myself. Failure equals rejection. To put it another way, people who struggle with perfectionism are motivated by fear and insecurity instead of a self-confidence and enjoyment of the task itself.

Someone with high standards is able to separate “who I am” from “what I produce,” and because of that failure/lack of productivity is less devastating. Failure never feels good, but people with high standards vs perfectionism are still able to view themselves positively in light of their shortcomings. People with high standards view failure as an opportunity to grow and learn. They are driven to do their best work possible, but perfection isn’t the goal... instead growth is.

Perfectionism robs us of joy because the stakes are so high. Any shortcoming could expose you and jeopardize your pursuit of this standard you think you have to meet. It is hard to enjoy what you are doing when the perceived risk is so great. Perfectionism is a cruel slave driver that never allows for off days and refuses to acknowledge your humanity as a limited and finite creature. Perfectionism is never satisfied and always demands more. The performance must go on. I must prove to myself and to others that I am good enough, that I am worthy of respect. Any slip up calls that into question.

We don’t like to admit that we have limits and that we can’t be great all the time. There is a loss of control in admitting that, but there is also freedom in it. There is freedom to be loved and enjoyed for who we really are instead of earning love by trying to become who we think we should be.

Counseling For Perfectionism: Enjoy Your Life Again

If you have been feeling drained by your lack of productivity lately, or frozen by your fear of discovering that you can’t meet the standards you have set for yourself, then counseling might be a good option for you. It might feel like your perfectionism is the only thing keeping your life together right now, but I promise you it is actually holding you back and stealing peace from your life. There is another way to live, that allows for mistakes and weaknesses, that enables us to be known and loved for who we are instead of what we do.

Together we can explore where your sense of identity comes from, where your seek to obtain your sense of self-worth. Jeremiah 2:13 talks about broken cisterns that we turn to that don’t actually hold water. Perfectionism is a broken cistern that never fills or fully satisfies our deepest longings. In counseling we can help you identify your broken cisterns that you turn to for sustenance, but ultimately leave you thirsty and worn out. We can mourn the painful events in your life that make it hard to trust God and believe that He loves you unconditionally. We can start retelling ourselves a more accurate story: that God knows us with all our imperfections and still chooses to love us and pursue relationship with us. This frees us to be weak, to take risks and fail, to be imperfect and still content with who we are.

In counseling we can work on applying more realistic expectations for yourself that actually enable you to be more productive and joyful in the long term. It is scary to give up perfectionistic tendencies, but counseling can help you understand yourself better and you can start to see yourself how God sees you: a finite, imperfect person who is fearfully and wonderfully made. You are delighted in and worthy of love, even when you get fired from a job or fail a midterm. If you struggle to believe that, you are not alone, and we are here to help. Reach out and schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation today.