I’m a pretty big fan of Philly sports and I keep up with the teams through a variety of sources- Sixers Reddit, various podcasts such as The RIghts to Ricky Sanchez, and articles online. I also listen to the local talk radio stations whenever I’m in the car. I was particularly excited about the sports radio experience after moving back to the area because I wanted that local flavor of living and dying with each game and hearing what people in the area thought and felt about the team. As I write this, the Eagles have just been eliminated from the playoffs and the Sixers are struggling to live up to expectations, recently losing 4 games in a row. And as I’ve listened to disgruntled fans and hosts analyze what’s gone wrong I can’t help but put on my therapist hat and notice that there are some core human issues emerging as we get emotional about our teams. I’ll briefly outline two.

We’re Obsessed With Performance

Professional athletes are a rare breed. I just did a quick search to see the odds of a high school basketball player going pro- they are 1 in 11,771. To compare, there is a 1 in 113 chance of dying in a car crash. That’s a dark comparison to make, but the chances of getting in a car crash are much, much more likely than becoming a pro athlete. These people are unique and gifted, possessing size and physical tools that most of us can only dream of. The odds narrow further if you consider super star players. Take Joel Embiid, the Sixers center- he is arguably one of the best 10-15 players on the planet. This is such a small group of exceptional individuals who have worked very hard to get where they’re at. And yet, we seem to delight in ripping these players apart and continually questioning aspects of their talent, drive, and desire to win. Podcast after podcast has the central theme of who is the MVP this year, and who deserves to make the All-Star team. We’re constantly trying to narrow the field down and we always want to know who is the best.

I’m not here to get into a debate about specific players and whether they want to win enough. I simply want to point out the absurdity of the standards we have for people who are already way beyond any normal standard of achievement or skill. And to me this highlights our cultural obsession with performance. Nothing is ever good enough. Even teams and players who win a championship can only enjoy it until the next season starts and then it becomes “what have you done for me lately?” Players are constantly being asked to prove themselves. Maybe there’s something liberating about the average person being free to weigh in on someone who is so exceptional and who makes millions of dollars a year- we enjoy leveling the field with our criticism. We also know that fans psychologically attach sense of worth to team performance, so when our team wins, in a deep sense we also feel that we win and are better than the other fan base. It follows that we’re angry with players who are negatively impacting our sense of self worth with losses.

But fundamentally, I think people are taking the performance pressure they are feeling every day in their own relationships and work. They know every day that they aren’t measuring up and they are taking this horrible feeling of inadequacy and projecting it onto the teams and players they root for. It’s automatic and unconscious, the air we breathe.

If It Isn’t Working, Blow it Up

The second thing I’ve noticed is connected to the first. If performance isn’t where we want it to be, we start clamoring for change. Fire the coach is usually the first thing I hear callers asking for. A different, better coach would know how to manage this talent and implement the perfect scheme and culture. Or maybe it’s the owner’s problem or the general manager doesn’t know how to assemble a team or evaluate talent. The next place people go is imagining who could be traded and what you could get for them. The Sixers just acquired Al Horford this off-season and people were excited that we were able to pry him away from the Celtics. But he’s under-performed and I’ve seen countless trade proposals online as a result.

Very little thought is given to what it would take for a team to work through a difficult stretch or figure out how to grow through it. It seems better just to give up and get rid of the player, hoping that the shiny new object will meet the need. I’ve followed enough sports in my life to know that the new player usually ends up disappointing as well once we get to know them and their inevitable flaws and vulnerabilities.

There’s an obvious similarity with how we view our problems. We are quick to blame our spouses or our bosses for our problems, and many people opt to try a new spouse, a new job, a new situation rather than work through the current one. We’re searching for a quick fix and we only end up getting ourselves into a cycle of disappointment. I’ve been intrigued by the Portland Trailblazers, a team that many have argued should trade their best players because they will never win a championship as they are currently assembled. But they are a team that is good every year, always makes the playoffs, and their fan base seems to genuinely enjoy the experience of having a good team to root for, even if they don’t win it all. It raises the question of whether it’s more about the experience than the outcome. This is certainly not the mindset in Philadelphia!

Conclusion

So what’s the takeaway here? I’m not just setting out to criticize sports fans. I am as guilty as the next person of emotionally venting to my friends after a disappointing loss. I’ve even been intrigued why I sometimes seem to enjoy listening to sports radio more after a loss than a win. It truly is nice to step out of the glare of criticism ourselves and place it onto others. But I want us to consider the air we breathe- that of performance and quick fixes- and evaluate whether we want these things to be our fundamental realities that drive how we feel and what kind of choices we make.

What if instead we celebrated the cultivation of skill, effort, and doing our best even if it didn’t turn out to be “good enough” or lead to being the absolute best? As I’ve outlined, it’s virtually impossible to be the best, so if that’s a losing proposition, maybe we should find a different goal or way to evaluate how we are doing. What is at the root of our depression, our anger, our anxiety? As I listen to people, I hear stories of not being good enough, not able to live up to parental or spousal expectations, feeling like frauds who have to hide their true selves. We get angry when we’re judged, or we become filled with despair and give up or start avoiding situations where we are faced with possible failure. This is a terrible feeling. There has to be another way.

I encourage clients to simply try to be better than they were yesterday and not to bother comparing themselves to others at all, an idea I picked up from psychologist Jordan Peterson and have found very helpful. Accept that your best will still be inadequate in many ways and that people around you might want to criticize you for that. To go even deeper, this is where a relationship with God is essential, to believe that you were created with inherent worth and that you are loved unconditionally by your Creator. And to truly live that out, you need to cultivate practices of being in God’s presence daily to feel that love and affirmation and to find rest.

And I encourage you to be willing to keep working at something. There are no quick fixes or fantasy situations. Satisfaction comes from long term growth and commitment, as we find from talking with couples who are happily married after decades together. They will always tell you that there were dark seasons where it would have been easier to give up, but these seasons blossomed into deeper joy and connection that they couldn’t have found in any other way or with any other person. Anything worth doing will take sacrifice and many experiences of failure.

So after the next game, see if you can say, “That was a genuine effort and I enjoyed watching that even though we lost. I hope this team stays together and grows.” But that’s not going to happen is it? I can dream.

Call or email today to set up an appointment where we can help you look at your own story and step out of the performance, quick fix cycle.